What Is Masking, and Why Does It Matter?
There are days when you just feel absolutely exhausted from trying to keep and you just can’t figure out why. Why do I feel so overwhelmed? Why do I feel like I’m not fitting in when I’m working so incredibly hard? Many times this is due to masking. While masking is not a “bad” thing, it can take its toll, and knowing when and how to use it is key. Flexibility with how you mask is a tool that is so important.
It can be so hard to hold that mask up.
Have you ever felt like you had to hide parts of yourself to fit in or keep the peace? That’s masking. The term “masking” actually comes from the word persona, which originally referred to the masks actors used in ancient theater to convey different emotions. In real life, we “wear masks” by acting happy when we’re not or pretending to agree with something we don’t believe, all in the name of fitting in or avoiding judgment.
In the world of psychology, masking describes the ways we hide our true thoughts, feelings, or behaviors—usually out of fear of rejection, criticism, or standing out too much. We may say or do things that feel forced or fake just to blend in. While everyone does some amount of masking, it can take a real toll when it becomes an everyday habit. Constantly hiding who we are can lead to feeling anxious, exhausted, lonely, or even burned out.
Why Do People Mask?
Masking is natural. We all do it in different ways and in different situations, especially when we’re trying to make a good impression or avoid conflict. It can even be useful—think about how we act at a job interview compared to how we act with close friends. But masking can become a problem when it’s constant, inflexible, or draining. People with anxiety, perfectionism, past trauma, or jobs that require constant politeness (think customer service) may find themselves masking too often.
Is Masking Just a Neurodivergent Experience?
Masking is commonly discussed in the context of neurodivergent individuals, like those with autism or ADHD, because many feel a strong need to “fit in” by hiding behaviors that might be seen as “different.” But masking isn’t limited to neurodivergence. People dealing with social anxiety, perfectionism, or self-doubt can also fall into constant masking. Anyone in a role that requires a “happy face,” even on tough days, is familiar with this pressure.
What’s the Cost of Constant Masking?
Masking all the time can wear you down, leading to:
Emotional Exhaustion: It’s tiring to constantly act like someone else.
Burnout: Trying to keep up appearances nonstop can lead to burnout.
Loneliness: If you never let anyone see the real you, it’s hard to feel truly connected.
Anxiety and Self-Doubt: Worrying about rejection or judgment can fuel insecurity and stress.
How Can We Find a Balance?
Instead of giving up masking completely, the goal is to do it with more flexibility. Mask when it feels helpful or safe, but also find times and places where you can show up as yourself. Here are four steps to help with this balance:
Finding Yourself: When you’ve been masking for a long time, it can be hard to know who you really are. Take some time to figure out your values, interests, and strengths, and practice self-compassion to fight off self-doubt.
Finding Your People: Connect with people who accept you as you are. Spend more time with those who make you feel comfortable being yourself and who value the real you.
Finding Your Path: There’s no “one-size-fits-all” approach to balancing masking. Try taking small steps to be more authentic in places you feel safe, like sharing an honest opinion with a friend or talking openly about your challenges with a trusted coworker.
Finding Your Voice: Learning to ask for what you need, set boundaries, or say “no” can help you feel more comfortable showing your true self. It’s a skill that takes time, but it’s worth it for a more authentic, fulfilling life.
Be Patient with Yourself
Unmasking or showing more of your true self can feel vulnerable, even scary. It’s like taking off armor you’ve worn for protection. Here are some tips for going at your own pace:
Do What Feels Right for You: Only unmask in ways that feel safe and are meaningful to you. It’s a personal choice, and there’s no pressure to do it just because others suggest it.
Expect Some Discomfort: Anxiety or vulnerability might come up as you start to unmask. Take it slow and give yourself time to adjust.
Celebrate the Small Steps: Little moments of authenticity can build confidence over time, helping you feel more comfortable showing your true self.
Masking isn’t something to get rid of completely—it’s just about finding a balance. By learning to mask or unmask based on what feels safe and right for you, you can feel more connected to others, more relaxed, and more like yourself. Small steps like spending time with supportive people, exploring your values, and learning assertiveness can help you create a life where you don’t feel the need to hide so much.
Authenticity is a journey, not a destination. Take it one step at a time, at your own pace. In the end, finding a balance between masking and unmasking can lead to deeper relationships and a greater sense of peace with who you are.